You knew this was coming, didn’t you?

I think by now it’s pretty obvious that I love Cassandra Clare’s books. If you haven’t gotten that, I suggest you go back and read my other two posts; I guess you missed the two sets of 10/10s and raving reviews. It’s okay, I’ll wait.

You back? Let’s continue.

I had seen so many good reviews, watched so many promos, and it looked really good. Granted not as good as the books, but I wasn’t expecting that. Safe to say, I was looking forward to seeing it.

Oh how misguided I was. The movie is, quite frankly, a slap in the face to the books and all the fans of the series. This isn’t a matter of the characters not looking like I imagined them; the movie is genuinely bad, complete with bad acting, ridiculous music, and ridiculously major deviations from the book.

All my issues with this movie could be compiled into a book of a similar length to the one that this movie mocked with no remorse, so let me Just cover the six main ones.

  1. No one can act. No I take that back. There is one good actor in the entire movie: Jamie Campbell Bower. I know, I know, acting is such a trivial matter, silly me, but seriously, every single other actor is on a scale ranging from Iffy to Oh-My-God-Please-Stop-Talking-Now. Oh Godfrey Gao… You should not have spoken. You should have just looked sparkly and then left the frame.
  2. Clary is pathetic. Was it not Cassandra Clare who said in an interview with The Mary Sue that she wanted to write a series with a female epic hero character who discovers she is a chosen one figure? Did the writers not see that interview? With the exception of the final battle, she spends every single fight screaming, hiding under/behind tables and other pieces of furniture, or running away. There’s nothing I love more than watching a movie about a heroine who does nothing except look confused and scream.
  3. The music sucks. This seems trivial but it’s not. Part of it is dubstep playing during fight sequences and the rest of the movie sounds like a fairy princess wonderland. WHY?
  4. Major plot elements are revealed. Okay so you have a huge plot twist that will last over three books. What do you do? Do you a) Play it out logically, and make use of common literary and film devices like suspense, or do you b) reveal it even before it happens? Guess which one the director chose!
  5. Everyone has British accents. There are a couple of people for whom it makes sense, but seriously, the movie is set in New York and you only have three characters with American accents. Are you seeing the problem here?
  6. I like to call this last one the ridiculousness effect. These are the things that just make the movie look really stupid. Primarily a) Valentine who has now been dubbed (by me) The Magical Evil Wannabe-Goth Padawan, and b) the magical flowers (the medianox plant). Yes, these are flowers that bloom at midnight. That in itself is perfectly fine, except in the movie they look like something out of a Barbie fairy adventure. These things completely undermine the credibility of the movie, and make it look ridiculous. (Not that it didn’t already)
  7. (Extra point) This movie is BAAAAAAAADD. It’s just a 130 minute-long cringe fest. Seriously, don’t pay money to see this

The City of Bones is still an amazing book, and the City of Bones is just an awful movie, and they just happen to share a title, characters, and some basic plot elements. The two are not related. That is all.